Why Me?

Finding my place as a Special Needs Parent.

The first evening after learning about Timothy’s eyes I came home and thought “why me?” now I know that sounds terrible but it’s not what you think.

Melissa in the hospital NICU right after Timothy was born. She is wearing a hospital gown. Timothy is in an oxygen mask cuddled to her chest.
Brand new baby.

I wasn’t thinking why me because I did not want to have a child with a disability, but because I didn’t know if I could be strong enough, brave enough, smart enough, organized enough, just overall  good enough to handle everything we were about to have thrown at us.

I had seen parents of children with disabilities and the struggles they had. I didn’t know exactly but I saw how much it took out of them. The paperwork, the appointments, the testing, and the waiting. Watching your kid suffer, be afraid, cry, not understand what is going on, not be like other kids, and be bullied because they are not like other kids.

I got a sudden case of Imposter Syndrome wondering if I was ‘Mom’ enough to handle this. Timothy is my third child so I felt like I kind of had the hang of it all. At least age 0 to 5 but that was with typical children. I had no idea how to handle a child with special needs… and blindness? Well I knew it was a thing but I never had really been around anyone who was blind before.

All I knew about blindness was that Timothy would have to learn and read Braille. You know those little bumps on the washroom signs. So in an effort to rid myself of the Imposter Syndrome, I threw myself into learning Braille and I was pretty good at it too. I memorized the entire alphabet within days.

But Timothy was just 4 months old and having me know the alphabet in Braille was not really going to help the current situation. So I also threw myself into research, on blindness and on his preliminary diagnosis of Leber Congenital Amaurosis (LCA). I read about how we can adjust the house for him, how we can help make him more comfortable in new places, how I can teach him about things through talk and touch. I learned about LCA and read about all the different gene types (we didn’t yet have our diagnosis).  I also connected with tons of families. I joined Facebook groups and followed Instagram pages. I learned through others who had blind children who were a bit older than Timothy.

 And slowly the Imposter Syndrome started to fade. You know the saying knowledge is power and not only had I been gaining knowledge about blindness and LCA for months, who else was more knowledgeable about Timothy than me?

Timothy laying on his black and white playmat. He is chewing on a fabric book and has a musical toy dog beside him. He is 78 months old.
Some of Timothy’s Sensory toys.

I would go to countless appointments with different doctors who all have different specialties but they seemed to ask the same questions. Nothing seemed to be going anywhere. I know Timothy and I know what he needs and what he is ready for or not. I know where we need help. So instead of going to these appointments answering the same five questions about his growth and development I now go with my list of questions and the things I think we should be doing for him.

This is when I finally started to answer the question of “Why Me?”

Because I love my children deeply and unconditionally.  I will advocate for Timothy in every single situation whether it’s to a Doctor or a family member or a stranger in the mall. I will never stop researching and learning about all the things I can do to make life easier for Timothy. I will never stop educating others on Timothy’s condition.  I will do absolutely anything and everything to help Timothy succeed.  As I started to really think about it the better question that first night would have been “Why not me?” .

Becoming a Special Needs parent was not something I had planned and at first it was really uncomfortable for me to feel like I had anything to offer the situation but slowly I’ve discovered that I am one of the most important people on Timothy’s team. I am his Mom.

Melissa is sitting on the couch cuddling 10 month old Timothy.
Mama and Timothy cuddles.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog.