Tag: Marriage

Marriage

The Story of Us – Part 1

by Melissa1 Comment on The Story of Us – Part 1

Throwback Thursday – Life before LCA.

When I found myself as a young, single mother who was still in post secondary I didn’t think the world of dating would really be suited for me.  In the time since my last relationship dating had become a whole new thing, commitment was out and casual was in. But casual was never my thing, and especially with a two year old to consider. I still believed in something long lasting.

So in my attempt to hack the dating system when I went online looking for a potential partner I was REALLY specific in my search. First I filtered out anyone under the age of 25 (I was 22 at the time) because I figured that older equaled more willing to commit. Then I filtered out anyone who didn’t have kids, my theory being that someone with a kid couldn’t judge me for having one.  Probably not the greatest science ever done but hey I figured it was my best shot.

Photo of Hailey dressed as Mulan for Halloween standing outside smiling beside an inflatable ghost.
My little ‘Mulan’

I had been on these apps for awhile and probably went through every profile of the guys who made it through my filters; it wasn’t getting me very far. But after an eventful night of Trick or Treating with my little Mulan I remember opening my app to a message, “Hey, What types of things do you like to do when you don’t have your little one?”. Clicking the profile I immediately thought “nope”. I didn’t recognize the profile so I knew it wasn’t one that had came up in my filtered search, I mean this guy was 20 years old, lived in a different town, and definitely did not have kids (he was cute though haha). Even though I figured the conversation wouldn’t lead anywhere I was getting a little tired of talking to 38 year olds who lived in their ex wives basement (for real) so I decided why not reply.

Photo of James, Hailey, and I at the Zoo Christmas lights.
Zoo Lights!

Surprisingly the next day I found myself on the phone with this guy for over three hours. We talked about a lot; stories from growing up, our religious beliefs, our views, and our goals for the future. It was definitely not the type of conversation I was expecting to have with a 20 year old (because you know I was obviously much older and wiser at the age of 22). The one thing I remember the most about that phone call is that he asked me what I was looking for…friendship, something casual, a relationship, marriage? It was such an upfront question and it threw me off. I was thinking yikes it’s not like I’m going to marry you (I did haha) but I am looking for something committed and not casual.  

Out of all of the people that I had tried to weed out through my super (eye roll) scientific plan the only person I ended up agreeing to actually meet was this 20 year old guy… James, if you haven’t caught on yet haha.

For our first date he took me to this little Italian restaurant and we ended up being there for 4 hours talking and learning about each other (while my sister and best friend thought I had been kidnapped since I hadn’t answered their texts). After that we almost seamlessly progressed into a relationship. We talked on the phone for hours on the days we didn’t see each other, and he would take any chance he got to drive up to see me. I introduced him to Hailey and he never made me feel like including her in our time together was a bother or a burden to him. I very quickly learned that my scientific method might have been off. He wasn’t over 25 and he didn’t have a kid of his own but he had the same wants and goals for his future and wanted us to be a part of reaching them.

Photo from Melissa and James wedding. They are holding hands walking down the aisle.
Us.

Thank you for reading part one of our story. Stay tuned for part two!

Marriage

Acting Our Age

by Melissa2 Comments on Acting Our Age

The Balance of being a Young Family.

I’ve been asked a few times how old we are and I usually don’t address it directly because it makes me uncomfortable. It really shouldn’t make me uncomfortable because it really shouldn’t make a difference. But in some ways I guess it does make a difference, hence my post today.

 I had Hailey when I was 19 years old so I am quite used to the judgement from others about how young I am to be living the life that I live. James and I were married at 21 and 23 years old. We had all three kids and even knew about Timothy’s diagnosis before either of us was 25.

The responsibility of raising a family is a great one, a family with three kids even greater, a family with three kids where one has a disability…phew. As you can imagine there is a lot on our plate. Heck it would be a lot on our plate at 35, but admittedly these situations did make us grow up a lot faster than some (let’s be honest…most) of our peers.

Photo at our wedding of James holding Charlotte standing beside me while Hailey stands in front of us.
Our Wedding.

We really don’t mind having to be more grown up. We both wanted and chose this life. Marriage was always in the cards and something we wanted for ourselves. Kids were always a dream of both of ours separately before we were together.

See we didn’t really fit in with others our age who wanted to party and explore their options…if you know what I mean…

Instead we mostly fit in with a more traditional lifestyle.

On our one year wedding anniversary we went to a comedy show and I was heavily pregnant with Timothy (he was born exactly a week after our anniversary). We sat near the front because that’s what was open, and as you can guess we were singled out.  I think he spent more than half of the show teasing us after he nearly died when we told him this was our third kid.

These types of instances have happened a lot over the years. I remember when I was pregnant with Timothy all of the nurses and blood lab technicians seemed so much nicer than before. I later realized they all felt I was now an appropriate age to be having a baby, and I was married, so I was worthy of congratulations. That nice demeanor often disappeared once they asked if he was my first.

“No, he’s actually my third”

“Oh…you sure have your hands full”

Anyone with more than two kids has probably heard that one a million times.

But as much as we love our grown up life, we can’t ignore the fact that our age does occasionally come into play. And what we have learned is that part of the fun in getting married when we were younger is that we do not only get to grow old together but we also get to grow up together.

We have found that having a balance between being Mom and Dad, and being Melissa and James, has made a world of difference in our relationship.

Of course we are Mom and Dad all of the time. But now that our kids are old enough to spend the night at Grandma and Grandpa’s we make a lot more time to be just Melissa and James.

What this usually looks like for us is a date night where the kids stay over at their grandparents when James is on his off time.  

Taking this night has been such a recharge in our relationship. It gives us the opportunity to connect without interruptions for a snack every two minutes. It gives us the opportunity to have fun as just a couple. And it gives us a moment in time where some of the pressure is off (because having three kids and dealing with a diagnosis is a lot of pressure).

Photo of James smiling sitting at a table with two sample flights of beer in front of him from our trip.
Radium Brewery.

This last rotation we decided to turn that date night into a little more and spent a couple of nights away. We went up to the mountains and went zip lining. We wandered the small town going to breweries and pubs and enjoying each other’s company. We got drunk and went to a karaoke bar.  We even ended the trip with some spontaneous mountain tattoos.

And then we went home, and were back to being Mom and Dad.

There was a point in our relationship where we did not do these types of things. Where date nights were few and far between. And when they’d happen it was rushed so we could get back to the kids.

I always spent a lot of time worrying about what others would think of us for taking time away from our children.

I didn’t want to be seen as the young, immature, irresponsible parents dumping their kids with the grandparents to go have fun. But I realized it doesn’t matter what people think because that is not what we are.

We are the young parents who spend 99% of our time doing whatever is needed for the family.

We are the parents who are constantly working, scheduling appointments, learning new techniques, struggling through delays and service restrictions. We are the parents who are trying to make a comfortable living for our family while still trying to make as many memories as we can together.  We are the parents who put everything we have into our kids.

So I’ve decided its okay that for 1% of the time we want to act our age.

Family photo from July 2020.
Our Family.

As always thank you for reading and keeping up with our family’s journey.

Marriage

Falling Apart

by Melissa1 Comment on Falling Apart

The Season that tried to break me.

Fall has always felt like a magical season to me.

I don’t really know why. Something about the colors and the perfect temperatures. Something comforting about Thanksgiving dinner and crinkly leaves.

2020 needed Fall. This year has been so difficult already, it needed a touch of magic.

I was anticipating Fall all summer, I felt like making it into that season would just help this year be better.

But then life happened.

Fall showed up. But the magic did not.

My marriage was tested and boy did I ever feel like I was failing that test.

We started marriage counselling. Which actually wasn’t as scary as people make it sound. (So don’t be afraid to try it!)

But I struggled this season. I’m still struggling. I’m a young mother of three. I have a child with a disability. It often feels like outsiders are just waiting for the day when I fall apart. The pressure to have it all together feels heavy and at times unattainable.

And just as I was trying to catch my breath, my husband was out of a job.

Out of everything going on in our lives at the moment, his job was the one constant.

Losing that stability in an instant shook me. The weeks that followed were filled with stress, uncertainty, tension, and fear.

We are lucky enough to be okay financially, because we were saving to buy our first home. A dream that was a mere weeks away was suddenly put on an indefinite hold in a matter of minutes.

Everything felt hard.

The opportunities for work were there but nothing that kept us where we wanted to be for our future. Other than one.

A camp job where my husband would live away from us for 2 weeks at a time.

This type of job is not something I ever wanted for my family. I’m the kind of person who values eating dinner together as a family at night, hugging and kissing our kids goodnight, going to bed together.

I felt like everything I thought I knew about the future had disappeared in a matter of 6 weeks.

How did I get from playing at the playground with our kids in our would be future neighborhood to living alone 3 weeks of the month? Nothing felt right anymore.

Everything was falling apart. And as much as I tried to keep up the appearance of normal, there were cracks in the mask. I didn’t have much to say, I wasn’t keeping up with my appointments, I would make plans for things that I never ended up finishing.

So that is why I am here sharing all of this now. I don’t want to wear a mask anymore.

I’m just a person. Trying to be a wife. Trying to be a mom. Trying to navigate having a child with a disability. Trying to navigate the medical system.

And most importantly…

Trying to believe that next year Fall will have it’s magic back again.

Photo of three trees with orange and yellow fall leaves on them.
Fall Trees

Thank you for reading and allowing me to share our story.