Timothy Turns Three.

Photo of Timothy sitting on the stairs smiling with a red shirt that says heartbreaker
Little Heartbreaker.

Wow. We’re here.

Today Timothy turns Three.
The number that has given me so many different emotions over the past few months has arrived.

Three feels like a big one for me. It feels scary. Three is the end of babyhood and the beginning of childhood. I mean can you believe Timothy will be attending school in 6 short months?!

He will be leaving the safe and secure bubble of home. I won’t be able to protect him from every stare, every comment, every question. I won’t be able to keep him in the little world I’ve created around him. I wonder all the time what this year will mean for him.

Photo of Timothy standing in his walker

Three seems to make our delays and differences feel more real. At two you are still sort of a baby and that made it easier to accept being behind but at three it feels different. I worry what it will feel like for him to be in a room of his peers, will he know he is different? Have I given him enough love and confidence in himself to not care that he is?

To me, he is the amazing loving little boy I know because of his differences. I wonder if his teachers will see that. If the other parents will see it. If he will make friends that see it.

Everyone has told me how good it will be for the other kids to have Timothy in their classroom to learn about inclusion. And it will be. But I don’t want my son to just be a lesson in inclusion, I want him to be a kid someone likes to sit by, I want him to be a kid someone asks to play with, I want him to just be a kid.

Photo of Timothy in a batman outfit in his highchair smiling

I think too often when people see a kid with a disability they see a “disabled kid” and nothing else. But I don’t want that for Timothy (or anyone). The word disability isn’t a bad word and it should be said but it is only a part of a person it is not their entire identity. Timothy is a kid with a disability. He is Timothy first. He is a kid first. Timothy is a kid who loves to sing, to jump, to swing, to go outside. He is a kid who loves chocolate and who throws temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. For the past three years I’ve been able to make sure he could be a kid first and now I have to hope that the rest of his world can do the same.

So three feels like a big one for me. It feels scary. Because three is the beginning of childhood. And I’m not ready to trust the world with my baby just yet.

Three years of loving you, my bright smiley boy. Happy Birthday Teeny Beans.

Another Year

Timothy Turns Two.

Two years ago today I fell in love with the most handsome little boy.

I remember being so afraid during my pregnancy for that first moment, the moment he would enter the world. Not because of the pain of labor or the whole pushing a baby out of my body thing but because he was a boy.

The first grandson in a family full of girls. My son. I just didn’t know how to be a boy mom.

I worried that I wouldn’t bond with him immediately the way that I did with my girls.
But when they first placed him on me I felt the power of the mother and son bond you always hear about. He had my heart in an instant and life has never been the same.

A photo from right after Timothy was born. He is laying on my chest and James is standing beside me looking at him.
Timothy meeting Mom & Dad.

Learning about Timothy’s diagnosis and the whirlwind of his first year of life was crazy and I didn’t know anything other than that I loved that little boy with everything in me.

Last night I was thinking about Timothy turning two and I got overwhelmed with emotions (if you watch my Instagram stories I’m sure you gathered that already haha). I just can’t believe that I was chosen to be Timothy’s mom.

I don’t know what I did to be trusted with this amazing task of raising him (I’ve talked more about this in an older blog post). But what I do know is that I don’t take it lightly… hence the emotions.

Part of my emotion was fear. That strong and deep Mama bear fear. A fear that we live in too harsh of a world. A fear that once I have to send my little boy out into that world that it will crush his joyful spirit. A fear that makes me want to just cuddle him close and keep him in our safe little bubble away from the bullies and people who don’t understand him for as long as I possibly can.

Another part of that emotion was worry. In my world fear and worry are not the same thing. If we wanted to interchange worry with anything it would have to be mom guilt. Because the worry is all mine. I worry that I am not doing enough. I worry that I am not supporting him enough to be able to catch up developmentally. I worry that I am not teaching him the right things. I worry that I don’t know how to do this, but really who does?

And of course the most predictable of my emotions? MY BABY IS GROWING UP TOO FAST. Because he is. How did my little Tiny Timmo turn into this blonde toothy smiled sweet toddler? It all goes too quickly. And yeah some days it feels like it doesn’t go quickly enough when you were up all night with a screaming baby, but then you get that cuddle, or that hug, or that overly sloppy kiss and you would do almost anything to stop time for just a few extra minutes in that moment. I have had a lot of those moments with Timothy.

Photo of Melissa cuddling Timothy in her arms and smiling down at him.
Mama’s Boy.

Now at the close of our second year I can honestly say that having Timothy has been the most magical and life altering experience. One that makes this emotional roller coaster a ride I would take over and over again.

Timothy has given me the chance to learn more than I could ever imagine, connect deeper than I knew possible, and appreciate things in a whole new way. His smile lights up my day and I could listen to his laughter for hours on end. He radiates happiness (I guess I really did choose an appropriate blog name).

So today we celebrate that two years ago I fell in love with the most handsome little boy. And I would relive every single second of it if I had the choice.

Photo of Timothy sitting in his stroller with a big smile on his face.
My big boy.

Happy Birthday Teeny Shark. Mommy loves you more than you’ll ever know.