Two years ago today I fell in love with the most handsome little boy.
I remember being so afraid during my pregnancy for that first moment, the moment he would enter the world. Not because of the pain of labor or the whole pushing a baby out of my body thing but because he was a boy.
The first grandson in a family full of girls. My son. I just didn’t know how to be a boy mom.
I worried that I wouldn’t bond with him immediately the way that I did with my girls. But when they first placed him on me I felt the power of the mother and son bond you always hear about. He had my heart in an instant and life has never been the same.
Learning about Timothy’s diagnosis and the whirlwind of his first year of life was crazy and I didn’t know anything other than that I loved that little boy with everything in me.
Last night I was thinking about Timothy turning two and I got overwhelmed with emotions (if you watch my Instagram stories I’m sure you gathered that already haha). I just can’t believe that I was chosen to be Timothy’s mom.
I don’t know what I did to be trusted with this amazing task of raising him (I’ve talked more about this in an older blog post). But what I do know is that I don’t take it lightly… hence the emotions.
Part of my emotion was fear. That strong and deep Mama bear fear. A fear that we live in too harsh of a world. A fear that once I have to send my little boy out into that world that it will crush his joyful spirit. A fear that makes me want to just cuddle him close and keep him in our safe little bubble away from the bullies and people who don’t understand him for as long as I possibly can.
Another part of that emotion was worry. In my world fear and worry are not the same thing. If we wanted to interchange worry with anything it would have to be mom guilt. Because the worry is all mine. I worry that I am not doing enough. I worry that I am not supporting him enough to be able to catch up developmentally. I worry that I am not teaching him the right things. I worry that I don’t know how to do this, but really who does?
And of course the most predictable of my emotions? MY BABY IS GROWING UP TOO FAST. Because he is. How did my little Tiny Timmo turn into this blonde toothy smiled sweet toddler? It all goes too quickly. And yeah some days it feels like it doesn’t go quickly enough when you were up all night with a screaming baby, but then you get that cuddle, or that hug, or that overly sloppy kiss and you would do almost anything to stop time for just a few extra minutes in that moment. I have had a lot of those moments with Timothy.
Now at the close of our second year I can honestly say that having Timothy has been the most magical and life altering experience. One that makes this emotional roller coaster a ride I would take over and over again.
Timothy has given me the chance to learn more than I could ever imagine, connect deeper than I knew possible, and appreciate things in a whole new way. His smile lights up my day and I could listen to his laughter for hours on end. He radiates happiness (I guess I really did choose an appropriate blog name).
So today we celebrate that two years ago I fell in love with the most handsome little boy. And I would relive every single second of it if I had the choice.
Happy Birthday Teeny Shark. Mommy loves you more than you’ll ever know.
It feels impossible that you are already 6 years old (a third of the way to adulthood!) yet I cannot think of a time when I did not have you in my life. Some days I can so clearly remember the way your voice used to sound when you were just learning to talk and your little toddler quirks. Then other days I feel like I look up and you have changed completely right before my eyes. Being a mom can be so conflicting because I am constantly torn between wishing you wouldn’t grow so fast and being grateful that I am lucky enough to watch you grow.
You will always hold an extra special place in my heart because you are the one who made me a mom and completely changed my world. Ever since I saw those two pink lines I knew you were meant for me (even though I was only 18). I cherish those first couple years when we got to spend every day together. Those years made me fall in love with being a mom and built a bond between us like no other. Raising you has made me into the person I am today and given me the confidence to add two more children to our family.
We have been a team since the start and your grace in our ever changing family has amazed me. You welcomed an awesome dad who loves you so much into our family at such a young age and then quickly gained two little siblings. Watching you the past two years as a big sister has been the best experience yet. I love seeing my baby girl evolve into a kind, caring, and compassionate little lady. The way you have adapted to having Timothy in our family has made me so proud of the person you are becoming. You embody acceptance and inclusion because you view Timothy no different than anyone else while simultaneously being considerate of his needs. Every day with you I learn something new and gain more hope for the future. I cannot wait to see where this life takes you because I know you will do amazing things.
Hailey, you are the leader of our little pack, our comedian, our adventurer, our sensitive heart, and most importantly our big little girl who we love unconditionally. Never stop being you.
How in the world are you already 2 years old?! Some days it feels like you were just born yet on the other hand it feels like you have always been apart of our family. I sometimes feel guilty about our time together because there have been so many distractions over the past two years that have affected what I got to spend with you. When I had Hailey I got to spend two and a half years home with her everyday but with you I was back in classes weeks later and then immediately working, it was hard for me to miss any second with you. I am so grateful that for the past 8 months I have got to be home with you again because the year of being 1 was my ultimate favorite with your sister and I really didn’t want to miss yours.
You changed so much this past year with learning to walk and then quickly learning to run. One day not long ago you woke up speaking sentences where before there were hardly words. I love watching your evolution into childhood yet I wish we could hold onto those little shreds of baby you have left, like when you snuggle into my shoulder if you are tired and how you still need my help to get your PJ’s on. I already can see the last traces of baby leaving your face as you grow taller and smarter every day.
I know you were only the baby of the family for 16 months and being a middle child is not an easy task. I hope you know that your role in our family is much more and you should never feel replaced or question your worth. But if you ever need reminding I will always be there to tell you how smart you are, how important your presence is in our family, and how absolutely unconditionally loved you are.
P.S. Don’t grow up just yet stay little just a little bit longer.